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THE MAIDEN LETTERS

 

.....the released of the new digitally enhanced version of "Number of the Beast" prompted this series of correspondence that has come to Bemuddlements attention


Dear Iron Maiden,

may I congratulate you on the social and historical accuracy of your lyrics. I am currently listening to the 1982 release "Number of the Beast" which has been lovingly recreated and digitally enhanced by a team of Japanese scientists in Osaka (and what a fabulous job they have done too).
"Invaders" is a masterpiece in chronicling the Saxon/Viking conflicts of the 7th Century and Mr Dickinson must be commended. Why this work is not a standard text for GCSE History I will never know.
This is such a refreshing change, as recently I have had to suffer the constant errors in his work of Mr Biff Byford and you be aware of series of communiqués between myself and the Saxon camp. I only wish there were some Norseman to hand as Bruce states
"The Saxons have been overpowered, the victims of the mighty Norsemen"

Yours in Appreciation

S X Anon


 

Dear Irons,

I was Down Depressed and Lonely until I took Mr Dickinsons advice and ventured to 22 Acicia Avenue. It was a sunny day when I ambled down the East End with 15 fresh English Pounds in my Pocket and it was the sort of day that Graham Green was so intelligent at describing. That autumnal feel in the air and the cold sunlight cracking through the Sycamore lined Avenue that has been immortalised so wonderfully on "Number of the Beast".

Charlotte is a lovely lady, a warm friendly welcome awaits. Her understanding staff will help you in making you feel relaxed, calm, collected and not the filthy liitle pervert you really are. It's a charming house, nicely decorated in a pastle yellow and an amazing range of torture and BDSM equipment in the basement. Although I was rather puzzled by the Black Stratocaster in the corner with custom Dimarzio pick-ups, I think it was stolen as the previous owners name was scratched out (I think it was a Paus Kiseff) and "DAVE" was scrawled in blunt crayon on the scratch plate. 


I advise you all to book early as it is the "place we all go" and gets rather busy after 5pm.

L. Ron Maiden

Dear L Ron

Are you related to L Ron Hubbard of Church of Scientology fame? Sure, 22Acacia Ave is the place to be, we book often. Unlike the arbeit kamp.

Herr Irons

Dear Iron Maiden

In Gangland Mr Dickinson sings "Dead Men, tell no tales". Whilst I argue that the sentiment is a noble one I must state that with the recent advances in forensic science, this is clearly not true. A cadaver can give many indications to the method and time of the murder and should the offender be careless enough at the scene of the crime, vital DNA evidence can point to his identity many years later

P. Ath O'logist

Dear Pat H'Ologist,

You are correct. Indeed 'Maiden do you use the services of Mr Cracker to obtain a pre-tour psychological profile of all of our roadies. Clearly the extremely low levels of aptitude required present our selection panel with overflowing abundance of prospective employees. Only the VERY least able get in. Would you like to apply?

Yours,
Fe Mdn
Dear Fe
thank you for your kind and tempting offer. It is with regret that I feel I have to refuse your very generous offer as I have already taken up a position of chief roadie on the next MSG tour. The main task being keeping the lead singer away from the chap behind the Marshall stack who plays all the solos. At least this will give me an excellent opportunity to analyse the works of the Teutonic fretmeister for further scientific inaccuracies...I'm already studying "Doctor Doctor" (that being the most obvious medical inspired work) and have already pointed out that the demand "Doctor Doctor Please! Can't you see I'm fading fast" is a poor and dangerous example of how the general public are making demands on an already overstretched NHS. For future reference, I do have an extensive CV of guest character Appearances for various NWOBHM bands, including a walk on part with the aforementioned Saxon as their "Motor Cycle Man". This was a vast improvement on "Princess of the Night"....its seems Mr Byford was not impressed with the 'artistic license' I took in interpreting his lyrics. How was to know it was about a Steam train? I ask you

Pat H O'logist 
Sir!
Your letter caused great amusement and we would dearly like to thumb through your exhaustive CV if possible. We have some opportunities at Fe Maiden arising shortly which we feel you would be ideally suited for. However if we feel you are not tempted by us then we will forward your details to Motley Crue. We believe they require someone to er, how do we put it politely - Play everything and sing. If the Crue reject your forwarded unsuccessful application then you could maybe consider obtaining employment with Howard Jones who is back on tour now, we kid you not.

Fe Maiden
Fe,

Name: Pat H O'logist

Employment Record Pt 1

1975-1980 Rush Mime Artist
In this position I was employed to perform a number of roles whilst the band were hidden behind and ever increasing array o musical technology. Those Bass Pedal Synthesisers are not as compact as they are now and often Mr Lee and Mr Lifeson, could only be recognised by the head stock of the guitar appearing from the sde of the stage. During my time with the band I was asked to perform an ever increasing range of charactisations from "The Necromancer" to the "Owl" on the cover of "Fly By Night". Let me tell you, interpreting the works of Hugh Syme is no easy task. My greatest achievement was the mime interpretation of the babbling stream in "Rivendale", which never saw the light of day due to its low popularity with the crowd. I was sacked when Mr Peart (who was never an easy employer to work for) disliked my "By-Tor and the Snowdog". For this work I had a 50/50 costume, made popular by the great British comedian Tommy Cooper. On the Left side I was "By-Tor" and on the Right I was "Snowdog"...."Battle Scene in 8/7" was always a tricky work to perform, but on this one night Mr Peart decided that he would play it in 11/9, then 8/7 and finally finishing in 5/4. I was a laughing stock I can tell you and I quickly lost favour with the Band, Hugh Syme and Howard Underglider. All this despite pulling off a triple axle with Salko, when we performed "A Lerxt in Wonderland - on Ice". There are still parts of Ontario that are in awe of my "Temple of Syrinx".